Material World
After a recent progression in my journey of enlightenment, I have reclaimed possession of some of my physical gear. It is truly a debt in my karma and since I have missed two summers of imaginable nights out, nights in, with the girls and guys I became acquainted with through Uni days. Nothing seems to stick with me. The friends I thought I had made quickly disappeared faster than I can smoke a cigarette. This is an example of chaos theory at its finest. Every decision I had made to move from house to house across Nottingham only brought me back to where I began. A house in a nice area with educated people; but does this represent the real essence of me? Since I started Uni, I have been surrounded by people engrossed in their chosen subject, all battling it out in their field to achieve their dream job. They have created a serious change of perspective on my own future, and the chances of me settling with what I want, rather than allowing an unknown fate to decide mine for me.
Energy input ~ Energy output. Its as problematic and as plain as that. A year spent in a spiritual prison, limited to very little opportunity for fun and experimentation, lack of alluring projects and qualified activity. Socially strangled and work wise no immediate prospects, I have very much fooled my self for the guilt of acquiring a better position. Having completed and passed my foundation I was totally prepared to smash through my top - up degree and meet new people. Obviously I was completely humiliated, I have been questioning my self ever since, "Why?"
Smoking as a spiritual practice had lead me to losing control of my mind, body and soul path. Smoking in immaterial matter had in fact seen a deficit in material matter - I am speaking about my personal belongings, my actual environment and the essence of the people that I had currently been in contact with. With out being condescending, I believe I would have found success much more accessibly had I not been preoccupied with the lives and dramas of my neighbours. I think I have found something that neatly describes my endeavour, the Middle Way (in Buddhist thought) that has made me greatly aggravated, beyond disappointment. Life did not deliver what I had anticipated. This is in its own right fundamentally depressing.
Originally I wanted to finish my A levels and apply for a good University. I was emotionally overwhelmed with smoking marijuana and my then-boyfriend; my life revolved around the animation of the two. At the time, I didn't contemplate the future, I would spend my days anxious about the motives of my guy and the cyclic turmoil of our relationship woes. All of my regrets come down to one thing, should I have quit weed? It was in that dimension where I was entirely detached from material things, and enjoyed the lifestyle of "getting high and munching out."
Enduring psychosis in its rawest form, presidential to the supernatural involvement of my direction, I figured that cessation from pot was not a particularly smart move on my mental health, in the long term. Smoking is a keeper of time. Time is a measure of our advancement and growth. Smoking is an addiction, yet any thing has the potential to be an addiction. The Middle Way suggests that if we can discipline ourselves to operate in moderation to all factors then we will eventually develop wisdom. Wisdom is a philosophy I have been seeking since I was discharged from hospital in 2015. I realised that my eccentric behaviour in the clubs in 2014 was not respecting a fair representation of the sincere Sabrina dormant inside her sober mind. Another debate would entice the topic of what it means to be absolutely sober. Some methods suggest that fasting and meditation bring a person closer to their 'true-selves' or 'God' - I encountered the atmosphere for this appraisal back in Summer 2015, whereby I felt extremely touched by the presence of an invisible force of insight.
I had a near death experience in Summer 2014; I was drunk & on Mandy when I staggered home one night, in an excruciating dishevelment I collapsed on the bathroom floor and smashed my head. I recall the pitch darkness and my voice in the black out calling, "Sabrina, you're dead. Seriously. Get back to your body." Somehow in the nothing-ness I managed to regain consciousness of my psyche and recover my self from the floor in my hardened state, body in shock although mindfully relieved that I had unfathomably survived. The second time I had an OBE was in Summer 2015; as I fell asleep one night at a hostel, I felt my spirit exit my body by its own accord. Whether I had much choice about that experience I can not say, it wasn't planned. As my spirit floated towards the ceiling into blackness, I felt a massive gravity pulling me down, as I tried to evade my flesh density. I identified with the other soul ties as the last people I had considered family. May be they were bringing me back to Earth on purpose, God only knows why.
I lived with very few garments and the minimal amount of kit during my studies. I brought a lot of things down to Southampton and was relatively settled in until these voices starting getting louder; now they just live in my head. I have absolutely no serenity about their existence, they continue to hassle me because I do not associate with their concerns, they have taken pleasure in my demise. Karma will be repaid. It is in the physics of the Universe and something has got to give...
Energy input ~ Energy output. Its as problematic and as plain as that. A year spent in a spiritual prison, limited to very little opportunity for fun and experimentation, lack of alluring projects and qualified activity. Socially strangled and work wise no immediate prospects, I have very much fooled my self for the guilt of acquiring a better position. Having completed and passed my foundation I was totally prepared to smash through my top - up degree and meet new people. Obviously I was completely humiliated, I have been questioning my self ever since, "Why?"
Smoking as a spiritual practice had lead me to losing control of my mind, body and soul path. Smoking in immaterial matter had in fact seen a deficit in material matter - I am speaking about my personal belongings, my actual environment and the essence of the people that I had currently been in contact with. With out being condescending, I believe I would have found success much more accessibly had I not been preoccupied with the lives and dramas of my neighbours. I think I have found something that neatly describes my endeavour, the Middle Way (in Buddhist thought) that has made me greatly aggravated, beyond disappointment. Life did not deliver what I had anticipated. This is in its own right fundamentally depressing.
Originally I wanted to finish my A levels and apply for a good University. I was emotionally overwhelmed with smoking marijuana and my then-boyfriend; my life revolved around the animation of the two. At the time, I didn't contemplate the future, I would spend my days anxious about the motives of my guy and the cyclic turmoil of our relationship woes. All of my regrets come down to one thing, should I have quit weed? It was in that dimension where I was entirely detached from material things, and enjoyed the lifestyle of "getting high and munching out."
I had a near death experience in Summer 2014; I was drunk & on Mandy when I staggered home one night, in an excruciating dishevelment I collapsed on the bathroom floor and smashed my head. I recall the pitch darkness and my voice in the black out calling, "Sabrina, you're dead. Seriously. Get back to your body." Somehow in the nothing-ness I managed to regain consciousness of my psyche and recover my self from the floor in my hardened state, body in shock although mindfully relieved that I had unfathomably survived. The second time I had an OBE was in Summer 2015; as I fell asleep one night at a hostel, I felt my spirit exit my body by its own accord. Whether I had much choice about that experience I can not say, it wasn't planned. As my spirit floated towards the ceiling into blackness, I felt a massive gravity pulling me down, as I tried to evade my flesh density. I identified with the other soul ties as the last people I had considered family. May be they were bringing me back to Earth on purpose, God only knows why.
I lived with very few garments and the minimal amount of kit during my studies. I brought a lot of things down to Southampton and was relatively settled in until these voices starting getting louder; now they just live in my head. I have absolutely no serenity about their existence, they continue to hassle me because I do not associate with their concerns, they have taken pleasure in my demise. Karma will be repaid. It is in the physics of the Universe and something has got to give...