Writer's Block

I guess a blog can be many things. It can be a source of useful and entertaining information for the public, or it can be a very intimate diary of events of an individual's life. When I began this blog, I intended on it being a bit of both. Most of all, I wanted it to be fun, with the hope that it would act as a device to reach out to unassuming browsers of the internet. Maybe it has succeeded in doing just that. Now I wonder what else I can do with my writing. I really do look on the bright side of life; when my family or a friend of mine is in a crisis, I tend to reflect on those occurrences with empathy and as much understanding as I can possibly conceive. I have this ability, or disability, depending on your level of optimism, that gives me what I believe to be extra sensory perceptive qualities.

So lately, I have found my life crashing before my eyes, everything I built and stressed over to behold, has washed away, been taken from my grasp, as well as my sanity. They do say that the best sort of people are mad, but I beg to differ. It diffuses my sense of competence and makes minuscule tasks challenging. This has only made my faith stronger and me, more liberal. I often do not begin writing with an idea in mind, however my ego trips me more often than I would like to admit. I have too many stories to tell, I am never sure what is appropriate and what people would like to hear about. I check Youtube and other bloggers to prompt inspiration and create something unusual alongside with that. I never directly copy any writing from other places.

I wanted to openly discuss some of the experiences I have had in life without sounding pretentious or attention seeking... such as, how I have lived as a gypsy since I left home, when I was raped by neo-nazis, my non-drug induced hallucinations including DMT trips, my trial and error in relationships, the effects of a party lifestyle on all aspects of one's life, being bullied, meeting foreigners, and generally speaking, never having seemed to find my place in society.

My opinions of politics, public services and welfare of this country/planet whatever, have not been written about here either (yet) then again, it is just an opinion, after all, the world is pixelated with them. Some people have more power and therefore the small voices should stand together to make a roar. Groups such as Anonymous are active enough and the laborious years for security of the next generations is a battle that has not yet been won.

I watched a couple of episodes of KUWTKs & I know that many people will shun me for that, saying its trash TV anyway. Recently, I began to take an interest in the lives of 'Celebrities' and I found that this world provides an outlet of escapism, that proves that no matter how famous or wealthy you become, that all human beings have issues and someone, somewhere, at any given moment, is having a worse time than you. That is why I do not share most of my life of social media, because it can attract the wrong statement. I had a guy message me on my old FB account asking what I would do for him for £xxx. I was disgusted. It flares the little feminist within and not in a positive way, to tell the truth.

One of the main reasons I haven't been writing is because I haven't had the correct environment or head space to collaborate a decent enough post, since I believe in quality over quantity. I spent a week in spring '15 in rehab then basically converted to Buddhism for the rest of the year, until I went to prison for 2 months and landed back with my Mother for Xmas & NY.

January always goes ridiculously quickly, it is not my favourite season of the year, never mind the month. My existentialist viewpoint only lead me to isolation, boredom, a stunt in progression and the killing of pleasure. Also, expecting too much can destroy the small beauties in life that are overlooked.

Being diagnosed with BPD is a pain in the ass... then I began to think that perhaps it really is all in our heads. It is just a silly infectious label, we have so much more personal control than we allow ourselves to postulate.

Until next time, Adieu.