Signs Of Abuse

I cut a bad habit many years ago, by application of the philosophy that every day I didn't do (x) activity, I was ultimately one closer to better health; I knew that if I could achieve this, then I would attain the insights as to how to advise others with similar conflicting desires. I do realise that absolute self determination and persistence isn't a guarantee that commitments will stand the test of time, yet we can certainly hope so(!)

Originally, the reason that prompted me to change was because my (now-ex) boyfriend insisted I seek a psychological intervention in the form of a qualified therapist - reality was he had his own mental turmoil, by which he tethered reverse psychology upon me as a technique of "guilt tripping." I have vague theories about why he acted as he did to warp my senses. (Gaslighting)

 What I believed to be my own logic and free-will, perhaps what I lacked initially, before entering a relationship such as this one, I can contend that my decisions were always moral and justified. I mentioned that I believed in "God." He used to call me "stupid" and mock me about it. Whether or not my choices throughout the relationship were always of my own conscience or that of divine intervention, I cannot confirm if the truth can ever prevail. Was my paranoia a source of the supernatural, and was it that which spawned most of my ailments? 

 I used to practice meditation for around 2 hours every evening. At approximately 11pm I would gracefully fall into a gentle slumber, with genuine enthusiasm about the following day. CJ would slip into my room in the middle of the night, waking me up, insisting that I remove my clothes for him... I didn't always feel comfortable about this. I felt obligated because I was his s/o & we were renting in a shared property... although upon reflection, being exclusive doesn't automatically signify consent. Despite us having extremely opposing daytime routines, I didn't exactly expect him to assume me as his property each night; especially since I had gone to sleep and had an individual schedule.

One morning my energy was so severely depleted, I physically couldn't attend a lecture. CJ waltzed into my room and began behaving coercively towards me about finances. Feeling exacerbated by his interrogative manner, I felt it was somewhat slightly insensitive of him to expect me to deal with this during a sudden health crisis, especially for something which could have respectively be postponed. His family are wealthier than mine, undoubtedly. I had got a second job because I wanted to rely on myself, I could not expect my parents to assist me since I had moved out. I learnt that CJ was already in debt only until after I moved had in. 

Eventually, I couldn't leave the house for college or work on my own with out a massive cross-examination; it was really patronising. I felt like a child. It was as if he was subliminally suggesting that I could not take care of my self or be independent, and it was his strategy to shut me and my resources down. Employment and education had almost become unfathomable concepts for me. My life revolved around his emotional dialogue. Contacting my friends online explicitly elaborating the truth of what was happening at home, crafting his own version of stories, exaggerating my behaviour that was mostly, if not totally imaginary, in an attempt to turn the world against me &... it worked.


 They say time is a healer. By some aspects, my life just seems to have been progressively deteriorating into apathy and disassociation ever since. Incompetency to revisit those memories without another burn-out. He was swiftly arrested after he assaulted me but I pressed no charges. I didn't want him to obtain a criminal record as I understood how that would affect his prospects... I had some mercy on him. On other occasions he decided to maim my property, damage my door and we had scraps about other imbecilic bullshit...

He broke his own ankle and blamed me. He blamed me for everything & everything.

He never took responsibility, not once, and then he would cover it all up with chocolate cake and Michael Jackson impersonations. He used to open my letters/mail, alongside doing and saying weird shit all the time that really fucked with my head. He had an ongoing relationship with his Ex-Girlfriend, via phone/Facebook/Skype etc. He was evidently not over her and although I asked him several times what that relationship was about, he intently perversed my trust. I can state with some humility, that I had the courage to approach this like an adult, but in hindsight, their relationship was pretty much in my face and I probably looked very ignorant. 

 I think that most people wouldn't want their other-half to share the intimacies of an "exclusive relationship" with their ex-partner, they wouldn't want to endure feeling jealous or authorise the risk of being replaced. Obviously he was still attached to her emotionally, voiding our connection, however superficial they may have been... I was just his play-thing, a medium to satisfy his own selfishness. The parts he was missing of her? It has taken me years to decipher all the details.

I wrote a poem; a pacifistic reaction to his relationship with her...


No matter where I moved, how hard I tried to block him out of my life, I couldn't detach spiritually. I was enlightened, yet his infatuation fooled me a million times. When I dated other guys he convinced me they were wrong for me, that I should still meet up with him, and I did because I felt responsible for his feelings - I had abandoned him and the parts of life we had shared together, surely I owed him something? Communication of some fashion, it felt too cruel to just erase him from my conscience.


One intoxicated night, we stumbled home and I lost consciousness in the bathroom. In a realm of limbo, total darkness, my spirit had vacated my body, I became aware that I was having some sort of near-death experience. I could hear my own voice, "This isn't a joke, you're dead, get back to your body now." I was in shock and it was nearly impossible to return to my body as there was nothing to conceive except hearing myself think. I was fighting within nothingness and desperate to regain my mortality in ordinary conscious life. By some miracle I guided my soul into my body and wobbled back to the bedroom where my (at the time) boyfriend was awaiting me, naked.

If any of this anecdote sounds too familiar, don't wait to get support until its too late.


                                              I was abused and I am not afraid to admit it.